Bubbles came to visit and to meet her great grand son. It was nice to have another set of hands to help John. She was very worried about me, she kept asking if I was sure that I was in the right hospital, with the right team. I told her I wasn't sure If I was on planet earth or if the moon wasn't really made of cheese.
Proud great grandma Bubbles |
My husband was truly doing everything, He was changing all of the diapers, he was bathing Johnny, walking around with him, rocking him to sleep, even helping latch him to my breast when I was asleep or drugged out.
its funny seeing Johnny so small |
My open wound was not healing. It wasn't a suprise to anyone either. It wasnt possible to keep it clean. No matter how often Dr. O washed the would with saline, packed it and put ointment on it, stool would pass through and it would become dirty again.
Cue Dr. Cristie Harp. She was the head of the Colorectal team at Ft. Belvoir. One of my nurses, Captain Richardson, had suggested to me and to Dr. O. that an Ileostomy be performed. I had no idea what this was. She explained that it was a diversion of the intestines so that stool would not pass through my wound and it would be able to stay clean and heal. I was so ready. I was begging for that ileostomy!
A few days went by, Dr. O. had to be convinced. He wasn't sure that I undertstood how serious of an operation this actually was. (I wasn't sure what my middle name was) In the days before surgery, I had some visitors.
I don't remember this. |
Lorena came to visit too, she rubbed my feet. I don't have a picture of that. I do have a picture of this though.
I even went for a little stroll (finally)
this is so embarassing |
This time, it was absolutely necessary for me to be under general anesthesia. They were performing major abdominal surgery. For those of you who don't know, an Ileostomy is a surgical opening constructed by bringing the end or loop (the ileum) out onto the surface of the skin. Intestinal waste passes out of the ileostomy and is collected in an external pouch (or poop bag as I liked to call it).
I was put on a "nothing per oral, or NPO diet for three days prior to surgery. They gave me some medicine to clear out my digestive system. Basically, I had bad diahhrea for days on end and Mrs. Loving was cleaning me up constantly.
The starvation caused my milk supply to dwindle. We started to supplement formula. This devastated me. I had planned on nursing exclusively for Johnny's first year. I was unable to hold my baby, I was unable to carry him, change him, bathe him and now I was physically uncapable of feeding him. That was my ONLY job and I couldn't do it. I felt like a failure as a woman and as a mother. (I am actually weeping as I type this.) I had so many conversations with Capt Artinsia Shakir about this. She was my rock. She was the bright spot in my days and she gave me hope and courage. I don't know what it was about her, but she gave me the power to push through when I wanted to give up. I was suffering from such deep depression that I could barely look at Johnny and I rarely wanted to hold him. I mourn the loss of breast feeding like I would mourn the loss of a grandparent. When I think back on the times at home, before my wound opened up and my milk sprayed in the shower, my heart bleeds a little. I have physical pain in my chest and a ball in my throat. Those few days I had at home were the best days of my life and I was robbed of that time and I am so angry about it. I would give anything to go back there, but I can't. The purpose of this writing is to help me feel these feelings so that I can find peace and accept what happened and move on, but all I want to do is rewind time.
Lights, cold room, anesthesia.
Waking up this time was more than traumatic. There was someone pressing hard on my abdomen. She was trying to attatch the bag to the wafer (The bag holds the waste, the wafer adheres to the skin). I woke up screaming, thinking the last few weeks were a nightmare only to realize the nightmare had only just began. The following pictures are graphic.
Warning.
Still want to see?
Ok, you've been warned,
Here they are.
You sure?
Ok.
This is what I saw when I woke up. |
Here she is (Sylvia the Stoma) |
The bar was in place for about a week, to hold the stoma up so that it could heal to the skin. Keeping the wafer from leaking was super difficult. There wasn't a single nurse that specialized in stoma care in the hospital. We were learning together. The day after surgery, I developed an intestinal blockage. I had to drink what seemed like a gallon of contrast fluid within an hour (I chugged it because it tasted so bad that I just wanted to get it over with) and then about an hour later they took me down to radiology for abdominal xray. They determined the blockage was due to swelling so they placed a catheter into the stoma and into small intestine so that the output (medical term for liquid intestinal drainage, stool) could pass through and into the ostomy bag.
Stoma catheter |
I would feel a really strong abdominal cramp, and then a gush of output. After a few hours, my intestines pushed the catheter out. I had to have it put back in. Someone came in with a new catheter and put it back in, and watching him do it made me throw up. He told me to keep pushing it back in myself and not to let it come all the way out. He gave me Valium because I had a panic attack when he was touching me.
I had another spinal block done to help with my pain. I was once again, bed ridden. Nurses would empty my ostomy bag collect my urine from my catheter bag. They would sponge bathe me and help me brush my teeth. Mom came to visit around Thanksgiving.
So did Michelle and Alicia
Michelle even shaved my legs for me |
Sarah Gish brought my Doghter, Lucy to visit!
I spent my days still trying to keep whatever milk supply I had left. I was on a liquid diet for almost a week and a half. After that, I was allowed a no residue, low fiber diet. Ostomy diets are very hard to follow. The foods need to be easily digestible and raw fruits and vegetables are not allowed. By the time I was able to come off the liquid diet I was 20 lbs lighter than pre pregnancy weight.
Another visiter |
Yvonne and Gabriel visited also. |
The rest of the time spent was keeping my pain in control and trying to regulate my ostomy output. I would receive a bolus of iv fluid equal to the amount of output I had each day. A Normal amount is about 500-800 cc a day. I was having anywhere from 1000 to 1700 cc a day.
Each morning at 4:30 am I was awakened to go down to xray to check on the status of the blockage. All through the night the nurses had to empty my bag, about every 45 minutes. I didn't sleep much. I just kind of lay there in a drugged fog.
This was to prevent a pneumonia. |
Once the anti depressants got into my system I started to be able to enjoy Johnny more. I would cuddle him not just because he had to eat, but because I wanted to.
I was in the hospital for 3 weeks. I finally was discharged on December 5th. Capt Shakir and Capt Richardson loaded me up with supplies and medicine and helped pack me up. I felt like I was lost. I was actually comfortable there, I wasn't ready to go home. I was terrified to leave. I wasn't capable of taking care of my baby, how would I be able to care for my self? My ostomy? My pain?
waiting for discharge papers with Capt. Richardson (left) and Nurse Androta |
to be continued.
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