Maybe another baby?

So, are you guys going to have more kids?

This is the dreadful question that haunts my dreams and follows me everywhere I go.

"Johnny needs a playmate, a sibling!" "Maybe after your body recovers." "Two or three years apart is the perfect age gap."

When this is asked of me, I freeze up. I produce a nervous half smile, force out a fake giggle, say "maybe..." and turn around and walk away as fast as I can. How could they know how hard it was just to get through this first year with this perfectly easy child?

When this is asked of me, what I want to do is yell, "Don't you have any idea what you are asking? It's none of your damn business, you nosy jerk! Can't you see my pain? My Anguish? Why can't you understand that what you are asking is completely out of line?

Sometimes when I am at home with my husband and my son, something will happen and I will start to cry. I will be reminded that, yes, I want more children. The happiness that my son gives me compares to no other happiness and more children would absolutely make my life more fulfilling.

The truth is, I am terrified. If I become pregnant, I will be high risk, most likely on bed rest and definitely will undergo a mandatory cesarean. These things I am sure of. What I am unsure of is the pain. I don't know what the pain in my pelvis will be like from the weight of the baby. I don't know what the pain in my abdomen will be like with all of the scar tissue that has formed behind the ostomy scar. Would the delight of a tiny baby flutter outshine the pain?

I worry what will happen when I go off of my anti depression medication during pregnancy. Will the hormones make me happy or will I cower in a corner and have to have my grandmother come live with me to make sure that my first born is taken care of?

Yes. I long for more children. Will I get past my fears and be able to one day? I hope so.