Fear

I am afraid.

I am having surgery on Feb 13th. This will be number 8 or 9. I've lost count. Dr. O'Boyle is going to cut out some scar tissue, reattach the tissue and inject some spasm-ed muscles with Botox to help them relax so that I can actually have effective pelvic floor therapy and hopefully less pain daily.

I am being cut again. This time willingly. I trust this Dr. I know she knows what is best. The thought of cutting awakens my hippocampus and memories of pain and hospital machines beeping and IV lines and needles and chemical smells overcome me. 

I am anxious of what could be. Will the incision re-open again? Probably not. My amygdala still fires ""Fight or Flight" through hundreds of synapses. 

When I have an anxiety attack, the volume in the room is deafening. I can't catch my breath and I am flooded with every possible negative outcome of the current situation. I lay paralyzed to the floor. Sometimes I just have to cry and cry and cry until I am out of tears. Other times John is able to calm me down before I spiral out of control of my own mind. It is terrifying to not be able to get a grip of your own thoughts. 

I am terrified of ever being pregnant again. Every night I dream of being pregnant one way or another and in every dream something goes wrong. I visited my midwife from Johnny's pregnancy and she told me "you shouldn't have any more pregnancies". Why would you tell someone that when you haven't treated them post partem? I want to be pregnant again. I want to have a good experience coming home after delivering another baby. I want to nurse and diaper and lift and care for another baby. I want to do all of those things that I was robbed of, but I am so afraid! 

I have been internalizing a lot of my anxiety and my fears and put on a strong front because I am a mother and my job is to take care of my son and his needs. I take medication. It is easier to use the prescriptions than to face these fears and make sense of these anxieties. 

Some of my anxiety isn't even truly relative as my therapist says. 

I am terrified of ISIS busting through my door and killing my husband and my son. I have this fear because my husband has a high rank in the Military and sometimes goes on Classified assignments that he can't even tell me about. The chance of this actually happening is probably 1 in 100,000, but the odds don't keep me from having nightmares or jumping out of my skin when there is a knock on the door.

I am terrified of sending my son to school one day. I am afraid that his school will be one of the targets of a mass shooting. Is this fear truly relative ? It feels like it to me. My sister text-ed me not ten minutes ago that her school was on lock down and she didn't know why. A month ago her school was on lock down because some kid stabbed some people. My mother was principle of a school in Arizona and had to lock down her school when a student threatened to shoot the school up. No one expects their child to be killed at school, and "you can't live your life in fear" but right now I can't even get past letting my son out of my sight. 

I don't remember the last time I prayed until today. In the shower. When the scalding water wasn't helping wash away the fear. I'm not sure who I was praying to. Whoever created us and watches over us. I am finding my way. I asked for strength. 

For those of you who read this and feel worried about me, please don't. This entry is to help me get these thoughts out of my head and onto paper. Digital paper anyway. I would love prayers sent my way for peace of mind. I would like prayers sent to the hands and minds of the surgeons and nurses, and prayers for my husband to continue in his patience and amazing love.