Fog

It has been a long time since I have written on this blog. I'm not sure if it is because my recovery has been going well or because I have been so wrapped up in learning about my newfound religion or because I have been chasing a 20 month going on 5 year old around the house day after day.

Whatever the reason is, today I felt the need to write. 

Back in February, I had a pretty quick and easy recovery from surgery. The pain was minimal and the botox was a GODSEND. For the first time in what seemed like years, I was virtually pain free. I still had to work up stamina because I was pretty out of shape, but I could enjoy normal things like NORMAL people. I felt NORMAL! I found beauty and excitement in everything. I fell in love with living. I could go to the gym, I could grocery shop, I could enjoy intimacy with my husband, with little to NO PAIN! 

Then June happened. Oh, June. 

I started to see a fog clouding everything; this fog is called pain.

When a person has chronic pain everything in their life is hard to manage. It is as if the pain is an extra limb or a Siamese twin attached that is only in the way, never helpful, only there to make things difficult.

Given my history of  PTSD, depression and anxiety, after experiencing pain free living for months and the joy that comes with it, everything seemed to spiral out of my control. My mood would swing out of control and I would cry because of the dumbest things. I seemed to have 'accidents' more often, for example; I stood up under a floating shelf in my son's bedroom and hit my head so hard that I had to go to the ER twice (once by ambulance) because of dizziness, fainting and abnormal head pain, and was finally diagnosed with a concussion.

My pelvic floor pain is always in the background. It is there because the band of tissue that was cut and stretched so many times is in a wad of knots. You know that kind, when your shoulders hurt really bad because of knots and a massage 'helps' but makes you sore after? These knots are harder to massage. I have a "dilater" that looks like a... what did my dad call it? I can't remember, but he definitely didn't say DILDO. That's what it looks like. Anyway, I use this device to stretch the band of tissue around the opening of the vagina to help loosen the muscles and the knots. 

The problem is, the botox has worn off. 

The knots are so painful and stretching them only results in more intense pain that lasts for days. It feels like I have a big bruise that someone is always pressing on. Walking doesn't help. It is really clouding everything around me.

As a distraction, I have started to make jewelry. Lots and lots of jewelry. I even opened my own little etsy shop and make custom things for people! 

In closing, I would like to give a shout out to the pharmaceutical companies for creating muscle relaxers and anti-depressants because without them, I would probably have to be institutionalized. 

to be continued....