I saw a specialist and he said no pregnancies for two years at least. He also said that if I were to get pregnant that I would to be on Lovenox (blood thinner shots in my belly) twice a day the entire pregnancy, I would be on bed rest and I would be high risk and I would likely develop clots again.
Clots that could kill me and take me away from my family.
My son, Johnny, is very active. He needs constant stimulation or he gets bored and into trouble. I always wanted him to have a sibling close to his age to help entertain him. Now I am realizing that this is not a possibility. Not just because it will be "hard". It will be too risky. I could die. It is too much to put my family through.
Oh, side note... My uterus and bladder are "falling". I have chronic pain and these organs are slipping down and there is nothing I can do to stop them from coming through my pelvic floor. Yet another reason I can't sustain another pregnancy. I am going to see a urogynocologist about a hysterectomy in the coming weeks.
I can't believe it. It makes me sick. I am so angry and sad that this is happening to my body and I didn't choose this. Some horrible Doctor cut me almost three years ago, I am still having problems and surgeries and now I can't have any more children. I don't know where this blog post is going except that I needed a place to write my feelings down because they were eating a hole in my soul and they had to go somewhere. So I am sharing them with the world. Eventually I will find meaning in this situation and peace with it all but right now I am just pissed and resentful.
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